“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future” (Proverbs 31:25)
We can become so caught up in comparison, feeling rushed to make decisions + feeling like we are so far behind in life. If I am being honest, that is how these last two days have felt for me. My doctor had made it clear, I needed to decide, like yesterday, if I want kids. My heart sank when he said those words. I took a second to think about all of my friends throughout the years, who already have at least one child. Or the ones who are at least trying. How could I be so far behind in life?
You see, I always have had that mother figure. I have always loved children. And when I was younger, playing with dolls and being the mommy was one of my most favorite things to do. But as I got older, something inside my body changed. Endometriosis started to grow, and all though I didn’t know that was what was taking over my body at the time, I knew something was off.
The thought of children still excited me, but I was certainly in no rush. It was more of a fantasy. Like when you would write down all your crushes names and how many children you would have while playing the game MASH. All just pretend, fantasy. After a while I started telling myself + others, that having kids wasn’t for me. There are too many things in life I want to do. And while just because having kids doesn’t mean I couldn’t still do them, it just wasn’t on my radar of what my future looked like.
And then I met my husband. The thought of a family someday with him excited me. I had ups and downs of baby fever and coming back to my reality of not wanting kids. It was confusing having these mixed feelings. Why couldn’t I be like other women who knew they definitely wanted children or knew they definitely didn’t want children? What was wrong with me? But before I could figure that out, my health started to change everything in my life. My thoughts, my relationships, my dreams, my ability to do certain things. And it was then and there, where I decided, 100% kids were not for me.
That decision didn’t phase me much, leaving me to think it was definitely proof that it was the right one. I mean, how could I be a good mother? I could barely take care of myself. I was always sick. My life was basically a roller coaster ride. So we opted for a puppy. Since I am being completely honest, bringing a 6 week old puppy into the house (this was right at the peak of endometriosis starting to show it’s ugly face), was probably the worst decision we could have ever made. I cried for days, mostly for the puppy because I felt like such a horrible dog mom. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to handle it. All just more proof a human baby, was not something I EVER needed.
But let me tell you something, I did handle it. I kept him safe, I kept him alive, I kept him healthy and I love our sweet fur boy more than anything in this world. He was the BEST decision we ever made. But even knowing I was able to make it through that and form such a bond and love, still didn’t give me those feelings of wanting to become pregnant.
Shortly after getting through the horrible puppy stage, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. It made a lot more sense. My constant crying, my constant pain, my constant throwing up after anything I ate and my hate for everything. Most importantly, it answered my confusion of why I didn’t know if I wanted to be a mother. Like I said all along, my body knew something was wrong. My body knew I may not be able to have children of my own.
And surprisingly, this really didn’t upset me. I was ok with that. It was almost like a sigh of relief. That I had a reason as to why I didn’t want children or never would have children. Because you know once you are married, that is the ONLY question people tend to ask you. “Do you have kids?” “Oh why not? When are you having them?” Sorry Susan, but that is NONE of your business.
I was diagnosed in 2017 with endometriosis and it wasn’t until my excision surgery just this past December, where the thought of children had really come up again. While my chances of having children on our own isn’t really low, it also isn’t really high. In fact, no one can really say yes or no. I have all the parts required to have children, it’s just a matter of if my body can physically do it. And as long as it isn’t too damaged from endometriosis + adenomyosis. After surgery, during my post op appointment, that was basically the doctors first concern, do we want children and that we need to decide fast. He filled my head with trying natural, with IVF with freezing eggs and I just remember leaving that appointment in tears. It was overwhelming. Too overwhelming for me.
I wasn’t even fully healed and I had to already think of becoming a mother? I felt that to be thrown at me way too fast. So he said he would follow up in four months to see how I was doing. Well, four months has come quickly, and although this appointment was done via video chat just the other day, I still left in tears. And this time, these tears lasted for hours, actually, I have them right now as I type this. But let me back up for a second. Unfortunately, around mid April, symptoms had started to come back. It is unknown whether it is endometriosis or adenomyosis causing them, but whatever it is, is there + trying to come back with a vengeance. For the second time. My concerns going into the appointment were just that. That I am STILL not better.
But before I knew it, I was being hit with “so did you decide if you want children?” I was taken back by this. Here I was trying to explain I wasn’t feeling well, and trying to convince me to have children seemed to be more important. I was finally able to spit out that IVF was not an option for me. That if we did decide on children, I refuse to put my body through that. It has been through enough already.
I saw him write it down in his notepad, but he continued to push that because I will be 32 next month, my chances of having a child naturally are really decreasing. Specifically because of what is going on inside of my body. And you know what I did, sat there. Like a deer in headlights. I didn’t have the words. I only had those thoughts again of WTF is wrong with me? How can I not know if I want to be a mother? Why is this decision so hard. Was it because I still don’t feel well? Is it because I was being pushed to decide? Is it because, honestly, I really love mine and my husbands life as it is right now. Or is it because I don't know if I want to experience the pregnancy and giving birth thing? I don’t know. I don’t know why I can’t make the decision.
I am not stupid. I understand the consequences of waiting too long. And I also know there is never a right time for anything. But you see, I am not waiting for the ‘right’ time. I am waiting until I feel my husband and I can both truly decide we want a child. Only God knows what is best for us. If my husband and I are meant to have a child naturally, we will. And if it comes down to I just can’t, I have always thought about adopting. There are so many sweet babies in this world who need loving homes. We could be those people. Those loving people who take in a sweet little soul and love them just as if they were created by us.
There is no need to feel pressured. To feel like I have to decide right this very second. And my husband is on board with that. I do still feel like a horrible person for not knowing for sure yet. But I am working on being ok with not knowing.
There is one thing I know though, that makes me believe some day we most likely will end up with children. The bond between my mother and father and me is one of the best things I have ever witnessed. They are my bestfriends. I love them. And I thank God they gave me life. When I think of that, I want that someday with my own child.
But until then, I am leaving what ever is meant to happen in God’s hands. At this very second, working on myself and getting myself healthy is the most important. I love my life with my husband and we have so many things we want to go do and see. If we are meant to be parents, our time will come. Whether it is naturally or through adoption. A woman, even a couple, should not be forced into making a decision like that, just because of their age. And all though that conversation with my doctor is still weighing very heavy on my heart right now, I know I can get through this. My life is a blessing. Our life is a blessing. And I wouldn’t change it or rush it for the world. So I am sitting here, smiling at our future. Because I know however it turns out, it will be beautiful.
Please stop with the theory that women need to be pregnant. Please stop making it seem like ALL married couples HAVE to have kids. You don’t know their stories. You don’t know what they want. Their thoughts. Their desires. Not everyone is meant to be a human parent. Some people are ok with being fur parents. Some people are fine with loving on their friends children. Some people are ok with exactly how their life is. Let it be.
Please know I am always here to talk if you ever need it.